Open Letter To Saif Ali Khan: The Best Advice Ever

The Epistolary Slap

Source: Wikimedia Commons

To Saif Ali Khan(daan)

Over the last few days, a lot has been said and written about the male show you and two others ran on the IIFA stage. Let’s remind you what you did there because you tend to forget. You made fun of a female actor who called out nepotism in Bollywood. You said or sang? ‘nepotism rocks.’ And later, you said that it was a joke on yourselves. Allow us to disagree, it was just the truth about yourselves. You called Kangana and apologized? Good for you. But sorry, Khan(daan) sir, that shall not be the end of it because your apology does not end nepotism, right?

Nobody, not even Kangana asked you to apologize. That’s because an apology is what people do, when they admit that what they did was wrong. If something wrong was done on a public platform, if you think you were wrong, you apologize on a public platform. If you don’t think you were wrong, then go ahead with your genetically privileged life. No fucks shall be given. But if you go ahead and pen a nonsensical letter, then you shall receive replies. Don’t worry, it shall be as open as your own letter was.

Where have we heard this?

So, you basically said that stardom [of course, nothing in Bollywood is about acting and is all about being a star.] is a phenomenon that arises when the right amount of stardom mates with the right amount of stardom. You even compared it with the mating of race horses. Do you know who else talks like that? The Arogya Bharati, a right wing ‘health’ group affiliated with the RSS. They promise white babies, competent babies etc. to couples who undergo their treatment.

The DNA that you were born with, you said, contained your ‘star’ genes already. Of course, that DNA is a ribbon structure intertwined with strands of money, power and privilege. Perhaps, you would understand that if you took away your son-of-a-star shades and looked at the world. Definitely do read books that are extremely different from the ones you read to write your letter. Clearly, the current ones aren’t helping you. Who knows, with reading, you’ll perhaps give up acting and embark upon a career you can be good at. [No, for the nth time, there is no career called ‘being a male chauvinistic pig’ or else we would have told you to apply there. You would be admitted even without an interview.]

Genetic investments are not subject to market risks

According to you, you getting a role in films because your mother was a star is genetics and not nepotism. The producer was making a ‘genetic investment,’ you said. Don’t you think it is a bit weird that a lot of producers make such genetic investments? There are no proven market risks in these investments either. Isn’t it even more funny that when such an offer is made, star kids like you never declined it saying: ‘Sorry, I don’t think I can act.’ You would have saved us many poor performances on screen and some scandalous National awards.

You said that if nepotism existed in Bollywood, it was not your business. Of course not. It is the business of the producer who made the genetic investment in people like you. I see what you did there and slow clap.

Lastly, there is one thing my great grandmother told my grandmother and I forgot for a while but will never forget, thanks to people like you. ‘The right reply to idiocy is a tight slap.’ That was the best advice ever. What do you think?


Yours truly

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