Remember those hot favourite topics in ‘essay writing’, ‘elocution’ competitions in school? ‘You as the PM’ used to be one of them. Here is a quick guide to those students who would want to win prizes in such competitions. Also for all you who want to join the herd of Indian politicians. Warning: Trying these might get you landed in jail. Unless you are already a politician. Meri pyari deshwaasiyo, it takes talent to lead a nation. It’s high time we looked at what kind of.
1. Believe that the nation belongs to the Hindus
For being the President [nominee now and if all goes well (for him) future President too] of the country you should be someone who believes that the nation belongs to Hindus. As a general rule you should have obnoxiously regressive opinion about women. In addition to that, you can specialize in mindblowing comments on rape. For example you can tell the country how rape is an ‘urban’ phenomenon. Also make it clear that westernization is the key to everything.
2. Engineer a pogrom of mass killing of Muslims
Being the Prime Minister is not that easy. This Indian politician will have to have at least one pogrom of Muslim murder on your CV. Extra points if the court does not find you guilty. Other than that, you do have to be very fitness conscious. For a PM a 56 inch chest is what is sexy. Why? That is what is going to help tackle Pakistan. Keep in mind that you are also a fashion icon. Your suit should have your name embroidered on it. Throughout. This should be worn while meeting the American President.
3. Be the P.M’s S
If being a Union Minister is what is on your mind, it is possible that you have to be the Prime Minister’s Secretary in the sense that you have to be in a camaraderie of sorts which will give you access to suck on the PM’s chest. You will have to measure it. Like you saw, that chest measurement is the assurance that people need to be sure that they are protected from bloody Pakistanis.
4. Be wise, money-wise
No doubt, as an Indian politician, you should be involved in financial scams. Eat money. That of people whom you represent. It’s not for nothing that they say that everything comes at a price. Being a politician comes at a great price. Just make sure that it is not your money though.
5. Extra Cookies
It is going to be an added benefit if you think Gita has to be made the national scripture. If people ask you the reason, you have to know it. What? You still don’t know? Because that is the kitaab that our PM ji gifted to American President ji
6. A woman who wants to be an Indian politician, wait a minute, what?
If you are a woman, first of all understand that you have no place here. A woman and politics? What were you thinking. But now that you are here by some stroke of luck, you should understand that you are the biggest weapon. To say shit about women. For example, you can say that “every pregnant woman should be compulsorily told whether it is a boy or girl”. This is the solution you should offer to the skewed sex ratio in the country
7. Be patient and nail it with these ingredients
A Chief Minister is an Indian politician who has to be the perfect blend of misogyny, casteism and Muslim hatred. Treating all minorities like shit and enabling corporates to consume your state is the game plan. Go in there and make a plan to change the pledge to the country that kids say before starting their day. It should go like this. ‘India is my country and cow is my mother’. Ideally, people who kill cows should be hanged. If you try hard, you will be able to make sure that the highest punishment is given for this heinous crime. Make it mandatory that everyone says ‘bharat mata ki jai’ after a sneeze. Those who refuse to say it should be sent out of the country. If you’re vying for UP, you have to have an opinion: That the Ram temple should be built in Ayodhya.
No? Don’t agree? Here we go again to another pogrom. What the f**k is power for!