RSS Babies: Here Are Some Other Traits That Will Please The Quintessential Indian

Baby steps towards a Hindu nation

Just because Hitler spoke of it should it be considered wrong!

Hello white complexion crazy India. Here is good news for you. Arogya Bharati, the RSS linked organization for medical expertise [of what sort, only the munis know] has promised white skinned babies. Icing on the cake? Even black skinned parents can get them. Surely, all dark skinned parents must be rejoicing now with the announcement from the national convener of Arogya Bharati, Jani, that “The parents may have lower IQ, with a poor educational background, but their baby can be extremely bright. If the proper procedure is followed, babies of dark-skinned parents with lesser height can have fair complexion and grow taller.” That’s great news, isn’t it?

But is it really surprising? Arogya Bharati regulary send couples to Ved Garbh (laugh at the name later) – an infertility clinic affiliated with Arogya Bharati. Dr Hitesh Jani there, wondered once, ‘Just because Hitler spoke about something similar, why is it considered wrong?’ The ‘doctor’ also added that ‘fair’ does not mean ‘white’ and that it only meant that the babies will have a ‘glow’. ‘a soft, radiant glow making the complexion clearer.’ in the doctor’s words. This don’t-know-whether-to-cry-or-laugh statement from Bharati is not so supririsng because India’s popular culture says exactly the same. What is this culture?

All babies are white in India

One thing you notice in all advertisements of baby products is the complexion of the babies. All of them are white. As though no baby born in this nation where majority of people are dark skinned, is dark skinned.

Babies featured in all Indian commercials are fair skinned

You get jobs if you are fair skinned

India’s fairness product market is hideously huge. There are products to whiten every part of your body including your vulva. One such product for penis has not come out yet but the fairness creams of men did make it to the market some years ago. One of the major marketing tools used by these products is to say that to achieve anything in life, success, marriage, job, you’ve got to be fair. The basic formula for most fairness cream ads is this: Girl attends interview. Doesn’t make it. Same girl uses the fairness product, turns fair skinned. Same girl attends interview: Gets the job. She becomes famous if the commercial has time for that bit. See where RSS got the idea?

Free marketing advice for Arogya Bharati

The website of Garbhvigyan Anusadhan Kendra, another such enterprise providing custom made babies, is pitiful. In success stories section, they have pictures of two white skinned babies with the same text under both. What does the text say? Latin. That’s right. They have faux Latin text for success stories. [Update: The website has now updated it with three success stories of parents claiming that they were gifted with super babies with qualities they desired. One of them even states that they got a better baby than the first one he had. ‘I feel the difference in my both the children’, says the proud parent. Well, they are two different children, you know]

Well if you want to be successful, you need to work harder than faux Latin. Here are some ideas for you.

1. Promise proficiency in Hindi and Sanskrit with birth

Now that the country is moving fast towards an all Hindi speaking nation, you should guarantee all parents, including South Indians this. The baby shall be proficient in Hindi from the time of birth, from the womb, if your mind blowing technology allows. The baby should be proficient in Sanskrit as well because you are also moving towards making the dead language a subject in schools. That way, the babies will top all exams and will be able to be a perfect ‘Hindian’ citizen.

2. Aadhar card which will be inbuilt in the baby’s brain

This one is going to be an instant hit. Every day, the government is trying to make the Aadhar card mandatory in a new field. Not only will you be able to effectively stalk these babies which are your products after all, you will also be able to keep track of every single detail of the individual’s life. This way, if the baby does anything against the nation, like eat beef, you can immediately murder it.

3. Promise a government job with birth of the baby

Yes, guarantee the parents that the baby in vivo will get a government job. If this is accomplished, you will see parents flocking to your office. Yes, you’re welcome.

But before you make that promise, you’d better create those jobs. Shouldn’t be difficult, you people are in power.

4. Promise that the baby will not marry outside its caste

The first promise which is inherent in this promise is that the baby shall be born brahmin whatever the caste of the parents. This baby, when it grows up, shall marry another brahmin. It is going to be easier because your plan is foolproof to begin with. You are ensuring that the babies will be born brahmins so after a point all citizens of the nation will be brahmins. In case there are other castes and religions left out in this nation, the super baby created by you shall never marry them. That’s how you designed it, remember. So all others in the country who is not a brahmin will eventually be extinct. Yaay! What a beautiful nation that would be. Your ultimate dream fulfilled.

Mandatory safety measures

In all of this make sure that you don’t make the mistake that many people made. Fail to foresee resistance. Remember ‘2001: A Space Odyssey’ by Kubrick? Hal, the AI went ahead and developed a brain of her own. She wanted to overthrow humans out of power. This might happen with your babies. So when you make these babies, the first thing you should do is to create a button [Make it saffron coloured. Screw Hollywood stereotype of the red button] which will kill the baby when pressed. This button should be used whenever you think the baby is going astray or organizing a revolt. Against you idiots.

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