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Six Types Of Mansplaining Womansplained: A Wide Array You Can Choose From

Pick your favourite and use it next

[Image: Gwydion M. Williams, Flickr]

So everyone knows that there are men who don’t even know that women don’t pee out of their vaginas, right? Well, there are. And those are the ones who try to educate you on periods. Who knows, in their head, women could be bleeding out of their nose, during periods. This phenomenon is called mansplaining. Here are five types of mansplaining in which well known adult males induged. You can go through them and choose your pick.

Warning, women: There is an extent to which you can roll your eyes or bang your head on the nearest wall.

1. ‘I Know Feminism Better Because I Grew Up With and Around Women

Ahem. Yeah, so? Most people do grow up around their mothers or female cousins or siblings. And your point is…? A lot of such boys also grow up into wife beaters and male chauvinistic pigs. Guys, when you say that you understand feminism because you grew up around women or that your mother was a feminist or that you were totally chilled out when your sister started menstruating, you know how many fucks feminism gives? None.

See this instance of mansplaining by Tanmay Bhatt from All India Bakchod to get an idea of how stupid it looks to mansplain feminism to the world. Does this mean that men cannot talk about feminism? For heaven’s sake stop whining and understand that speaking about something and mansplaining something are two different things. When you state the same facts that feminism has been shouting from rooftops for years, giving an air of authenticity to it because you think that will ‘help’ feminism, yeah, that’s what you call man splai ning. You can choose this one if you want to sound politically correct and intellectual and foolish at the same time.

Tanmay_Bhat_speaking_eyes_shut_mouth_open

2. ‘I am not Mansplaining, I am Only Helping!’

I don’t know in which era of knighthood you are all in, but please wake up. We are not damsels in distress. We really don’t need help when we are not seeking it. Assuming that a woman needs help when she is not asking for it and using the line ‘let me help you’ to do things she was perfectly okay doing herself is mansplaining. Oh stop crying ‘are we not allowed to help a woman, now!’ Yes help a woman when she is yelling ‘somebody help me’ like in this incident in Bangalore. Nobody seemed to be bothered then. And then when a woman is perfectly fine parking her car, you volunteer to instruct her. Err…why? Do this if you wish to be run over by cars and other such.

CCTV_footage_woman_molested_in_Bangalore_New_Year_2017
Hey, we are helping you by molesting you [Image: Screengrab, Bangalore New year Groping Incident, CCTV footage]

3. In Which You Say You Think Women Have Fake Certificates

So in this one what happens is that you take it for granted that whatever we say about ourselves is a lie. Didn’t get it? Suppose a pilot is giving a lecture on her experiences in her profession. Now at the end of the talk you walk up to her and narrate to her an incident in which they were trying to find the black box to find out what had happened before a plane crashed. You look at her, cock your head to a side and ask, ‘you do know what I am talking about, right? I mean, you are familiar with black box, right?’ Yeah so all this time you thought she was lying about being a pilot. You will even squint and say ‘No offence, but you do know that the black box is really orange, raaaaight?’

Do this in very important places ONLY. Like an international seminar where the best experts on every discipline are invited.

4. In Which You Interrupt. Repeatedly

This is perhaps one of the most common methods so please revise it and come up with something better. Studies have shown that women get interrupted more than men do. The perfect example to this will be none other than Nation-Wants-to-Know-Swami. Is there any instance where somebody wasn’t shut up by his belligerent hollering? Which is why, when in this discussion Mahua Moitra gave him the middle finger, a lot of women including me gave a sigh of relief. That was loooong due, mister!

But do not think that mansplaining is done only by men. Women do it too. You know that instance when a woman says that somebody mansplained vagina to her and this co-worker turns around and says, ‘But dear, that is their perception’? That, my friend is mansplaining. Saying that mansplaining does not exist is also mansplaining. It’s kind of like a chicken and egg situation. We don’t know which came first but we have all eaten omelette for sure. Do this when you think that a woman is speaking (sense) and you feel that she is not supposed to. Because patriarchy da.

5. In Which You Say We Are Pretty

Yes, you still think that when you say that we look good we feel great. Cat calling and the ‘compliments’ passed while we walk on streets point to this fact. I am pretty sure every woman who has had to walk to work or just walk on streets have heard something like ‘Good God! These Eyes’ or ‘Girl, why don’t you smile a bit’ etc. This man once told me that I would really look good in certain clothes. Countless others, including strangers have told me how I would look good if I was fatter or thinner.

People think women’s bodies can be made to look good according to your concept of beauty. When you tell a woman that she shouldn’t wear shorts because she is too thin or too fat to look good in them, the violence is obvious. But saying that something will look good on her is equally problematic. I am not talking of a situation in which you share that kind of a space with someone. It is so useful when you don’t have full sized mirrors, you know. It is possible to have such a space with male friends. But an incident on train in which a stranger tells a woman that she shouldn’t wear skirts because it makes her look like a kid? That’s the kind of mansplaining we give one tight slap for. Up for it, anyone?

Add to this all the times when you have asked women to read this book or watch that film because you thought that it was just right for her. You know, those parties in which you are introduced to someone and even before you look at the girl you go, ‘Oh my God you should totally check this film out. The protagonist is just like you’. Yeah right, you managed to figure her out to the last detail right after a handshake. Do this when you want to be the biggest loser around.

6. In Which You Act Like a Jerk

So this is the one in which you claim to know better than women about things they have actually experienced. Suppose a woman says that she has been sexually abused as a child and she thinks that she can understand the psychology of the abused and the abuser better. Then you stand up and shout ‘Bitch, please. I’ll tell you what child sexual abuse is’.

What this does is negate the fact that she was abused. You think that whether or not the woman was abused, your knowledge about abuse is authentic. In other words, you think your ‘knowing’ is more important than her survival. You know what’s funny? Just by mansplaining that way, you give away the fact that you have no authority to speak about abuse at all. Do this when you are in your self destruction mode.

Dear men, if you were unaware of this phenomenon, please feel free to indulge. This is the first step to being a total jerk and idiot. Women can try to call the mansplainers that each and every time they do it and see if the numbers change.

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