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Tantric Sex Has A New Guru And He Has Some Amazing Insights Among Stupidities

Let’s injaculate

Okay let’s be honest. However pleasurable sex is, while you are at it, you’re thinking of a million other things. You are just waiting for it to get over so that you can get back to your daily procrastination masturbation. So half the time you are having sex you are like ‘oh my god soon after this gets over and a smoke after that, I will have to make the to-do list and those calls and empty the trash and soak the pulses for tomorrow and oh my god isn’t tomorrow the deadline for that thing I had to do at the bank!’ Now imagine that sex is going to last for 10 hours.

Okay, sit down somewhere, we know you are blacking out and feeling faint. But it’s true. This man, apostle of tantric sex, claims that he has cracked the way to make sex last long. Really long. Like Amaron batteries. But excuse me sir, batteries are supposed to last long. If sex lasts this long, one would get pregnant and the baby would be in kindergarten by the time you are done. I mean, TEN HOURS? Are you effing kidding me?

It  doesn’t look like he is kidding when Shaft, a self-love coach and a tantric practitioner, as he calls himself, speaks. He seems pretty clear about what he wants in life (ten hours of sex) and how to achieve it: doing strange things to a white woman which makes us wonder if we have been getting sex wrong all this while.

Jesus was tantric, hell yeah

Dude, let’s get this straight. You have sex like that? Like doing strange postures with a woman and then continuing that for ten whole hours. Don’t you think it’s time you went to a guru yourself? Another claim that Shaft makes is that Jesus was tantric. (He does suggest a book to read for everyone to confirm this, to be fair.) Wait a minute. Did Jesus even exist, to be a tantric in the first place? And those who believe he existed also believe that he was crucified. Don’t you think it is a really bad business strategy to promote a guy who was nailed to death on a cross as one of your practioners?

Of course, it is absolutely okay to be delusional and absolutely unscientific in your approach to sex. Shaft himself says that sex is just one aspect of tantra and it’s just the media and society who get hung up on the sex element. Well… guilty as charged but it is kind of a compulsion you know. When there is sex involved, everyone feels like giving their opinion because otherwise people would think you know nothing about it. And that is the trait of a loser in our society, you know. So yeah, resisting sex and talking about sex are kind of a problem, I guess. Also, it’s hard to resist when someone says something really stupid.

Why it makes sense

Surprisingly, the man makes a lot of sense too. It could be the effect of all the tantra that he is practising. Like if you say crap for some time the tantra whacks you in the head and says speaks sense sort. Which is probably what happened when he said that most of the work that they did was shadow work : ‘boundaries and consent, healing past traumas and letting go of ancestral woundings and also all the shit we carry from our parent and learning to love our inner child.’

OH. MY. GOD. Isn’t that awesome! No sex education class talks of this which is a very important aspect, in fact a prerequisite for having sex. Like, you do know that you can’t have sex without consent and without defining boundaries raaaaight? Healing past traumas is something everyone who has been through trauma has been trying to achieve since time immemorial. I don’t know about the inner child but if he were to sell this idea of letting go of all the shit that we carry from our parents, he surely would be a millionaire in no time. The only problem though is, well, to be frank, to know that it might not be possible to achieve these wonderful goals with tantra. Why? Listen to how some of the sessions work.

Why it doesn’t

A ‘twin-goddess awakening’ where two women are emotionally and energetically linked in a simultaneous yoni (vagina/vulva) massage. Umm… sounds great, for the women, but what’s twin goddess awakening and how is this going to help love your inner child? A therapeutic yoni de-armouring session where women will be crying, screaming…’ Okay I’m going to have to stop there because this reminds me of really bad male fantasy porn. Shaft also says that he changes the world ‘one yoni at a time’. Excuse me, what? What exactly do you do with yonis and why are women not doing it? The most important question though, is that why hasn’t the world changed after all of this!

But there is good news. In tantra, Shaft says, nobody ejaculates, they only injactulate. So rejoice women, you can stop taking the pill and do away with all those contraception methods, in tantra, there ain’t no sperms coming your way. Yay!

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